LARRY
KING'S
PEOPLE
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This week on 
Larry King Live:
Monday:
Rep. Gary Condit
Tuesday:
Painting of Martin Sheen
Wednesday:
Mr. Weatherbee
Thursday:
That guy from down the street that you're sure is gay
Friday:
A Drunk Martian
Link:
Former New York Senator Alphonse D'Amato has written a soon-to-be-released autobiography that includes several shocking revelations about his life. Among the tidbits: D'Amato fathered a child by UPI White House correspondent Helen Thomas, performed Joan Rivers' 13th facelift and played bass on all of Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas' hits...I got two words of advice for Peter Pan: Grow up...I hear that Dove Award winner Sandi Patti is taking over lead vocals in Dexy's Midnight Runners...How about that rack on Mr. Edward Asner?...Am I alone in thinking that Garrison Keillor looks like some damn creation from the pen of Dr. Seuss?...Yours truly will present Sissy Spacek with her Lifetime Achievement Award at next month's Soul Train Lady of Soul Awards...Where are they now?: Anson Williams is a Salad Bar Attendant at the Stuckey's down on Route 9...Memo to Leo Sayer: You make me feel like dancing...I hear that longtime lovers Wes Craven and Maureen O'Hara are building a summer house on Venus...Has there ever been a better television sports columnist than my "USA Today" colleague, Michael Hiestand?...Placido Domingo's plumber tells me that his septic system is seriously backed up thanks to a dam of tampons...On the recent anniversary of Werner Klemperer's death, my CNN "Larry King Live" show presented a roundtable discussion of the great actor and conductor's career. The talk grew emotional when I asked each panelist if they remembered where they were and what theyw ere doing when they heard that Klemperer had expired. Among the responses: Carole King: Constipated, sitting on toilet reading "Atlas Shrugged," Michael Des Barres: Finishing up paper route, Candice Bergen: Asleep, dreamt news of death and Yassir Arafat: Playing Parcheesi...When I grow up, I want to be a fireman!...According to one of his quatrains, the 16th century French seer Nostradamus correctly predicted that George W. Bush is the Anti-Christ, along with Carnie Wilson's dramatic weight-loss and the cancellation of "Caroline in the City"...Susan Olson tells me that if you want someone killed, G. Gordon Liddy works cheap...When style-maven Elsa Klensch left CNN last year, we were all waiting to discover where she'd land next. Well, I'm happy to tell you that she is now operating the Mister Softee truck in my neighborhood...CBS newshound Bob Schieffer gives the best foot rubs...If you're ever a guest at my P.O.W. camp, get ready for some serious ice cream headaches...My favorite piece of S&M equipment continues to be the ball gag...You know the film is top notch if the always-entertaining C. Thomas Howell is in the cast...When Newt Gingrich was a recent guest on my CNN "Larry King Live" show, he kept using the phrase, "Talk to the hand." What's up with that?...Whoever invented pillowcases is a genius!...Jim Stafford once confided to me that he actually did like spiders and snakes...Am I alone in not being able to understand a single damn thing that Steven Wright says?